Funny Valentine
by Cadiliniel
Summary: (SSGL pre-slash) It's Valentine's Day, and Lockhart approaches Snape for a


Funny Valentine

Severus Snape was fuming. _Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a love potion_, indeed! One idiot child had even been stupid enough to follow Gilderoy Lockhart's advice, much to Snape's anger and said child's horror. He gave the leg of his desk a kick in his frustration. No doubt the whole school was giggling behind their grubby little hands about Snape being a part of Lockhart's big plan. He decided he was going to do something extremely unpleasant to Lockhart the next time he saw him.

He didn't have long to wait, as a knock came suddenly to his office door and the still pink-clad Lockhart fluttered into his room. Snape stood sharply, with an air of violence about him. "If you think for one second," he spat, "that I am making you a love potion…" He was about to continue in a way only he could, to make sure that Lockhart realised the absolute unlikeliness of the situation, but he was cut across by a quiet, sad laugh from the other man.

"Don't worry, Severus. I only came here to see if I could get some Dreamless Sleep."

"What!"

"Dreamless Sleep? To stop me dreaming…"

Snape snorted. "I know what the damn potion is, Lockhart." He sighed heavily. He had to admit he was quite intrigued as to why Lockhart of all people would be after this potion. "Well, sit down then."

Lockhart did as he was told, while Snape disappeared amongst some shelves of vials and bottles. He came back after a few minutes. "How much of the potion do you need?" He asked, raising and eyebrow.

"Erm…I'm not sure, how much would you recommend?" Lockhart looked mildly confused.

"That would depend on what you wanted the potion for. If you're having nothing over the top, mainly pleasant dreams, I have enough to get rid of them. If you're having mild to severe nightmares, I'll have to brew some additional quantities of the potion."

"Well, my dreams have been quite bad, so I suppose I'll need more."

Snape sneered. "I doubt very much _you_ know the meaning of bad dreams."

"You'd be surprised," Lockhart replied, with a hint of irritation in his voice.

"Try me." Snape walked to his cauldron. "Well?" He smirked as he began to add ingredients into the pot, while Lockhart remained silent.

Snape stirred the potion slowly. He noticed Lockhart rubbing his temples and could not resist the temptation. "Too much hard work, thinking of a good story this time?" He chuckled. "Not that your usual stories are any good, mind you."

Lockhart sighed. "You have no idea how close to the truth you are, professor."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? Then why don't you enlighten me?"

"Because _you_, dear Severus, would use it against me."

"Pft, don't flatter yourself too much, Lockhart. Tell me - or else perhaps I'll have to make something up myself."

Lockhart rubbed his head again. He figured he could always _obliviate_ himself out of the situation, should the need arise.

"Well," he began, rather tiredly. "All my books? All the things I've said I've done? I haven't done any of it. I stole other people's accomplishments and made them my own. I erased their memories and made them my own."

It seemed to Snape that as Lockhart spoke the colour was draining from his lurid robes, the usually sparkling eyes were dull and sporting two dark, heavy circles. He ran a hand through his suddenly flat hair. "And now, I can't stop dreaming about it. It would appear I have more of a conscience than I had given myself credit for." There was a strange silence in the room for a while, all that could be heard was the potion bubbling in the cauldron. Lockhart, after a minute or so, scoffed. "Well? Do I have to obliviate you now too? Or are you just thinking of something clever to say?" Lockhart had noticed Snape's lack of retort thus far. Snape had stopped stirring the potion – it was taking all of his effort to not feel sorry for Lockhart.

"I'm not going to tell anyone. What good would that do me?"

"It would get rid of _me_."

"Lockhart, I already said, don't flatter yourself. I do not feel strongly for you either way." Then Snape added, almost as though it was an after-thought, "We all need an easy target, sometimes."

Lockhart rolled his eyes. "Is the potion going to take long?"

"Hmm, probably, seeing as you need such a strong batch. You can go, I'll send it to your office."

"Thank you," Lockhart said, forced though it sounded. He got up from his chair and left.

Snape would never have thought Lockhart capable of such a successful scam. He had fooled literally millions of people with those books, and not once had anyone questioned their validity. It had to be down to luck, Snape thought. Must be. The man was damn well nearly a squib! And yet…there must have been some talent in there. Well, a talent for memory charms at the least. He couldn't help but marvel at the success of the trick. It was clearly beginning to take its toll, however, if Lockhart's appearance as he left was anything to go by.

He shook his head. He had to stop thinking about it. The last thing Snape wanted stuck on his mind all day was Lockhart. He left the potion to brew and began to mark some second year homework (everyone did badly). He went back to check the potion, taking a sniff of the liquid. He crinkled his nose, as though not quite satisfied. He put the ladle impatiently back in the cauldron. He tapped his foot on the stone ground a moment, and then proceeded to unlock his cabinet of personal supplies.

Lockhart slammed the door to his office shut. He sat grumpily behind his desk. Why had he gone and told Snape everything? He was bound to go blab about it to Dumbledore and get himself sacked and disgraced and Merlin knows what else. He had wanted to tell him though. Tell him that there was more to Gilderoy Lockhart than flashy robes and charming smiles. He may be a useless wizard, but he wasn't completely talentless. He chided himself. "_You _are_ stupid, Gilderoy. What's the use in showing people you have talent when you're only going to be ridiculed and disgraced for it?_" He lay his head on the desk, suitably cushioned by the stacks of cards. This was not how he wanted to be spending Valentine's Day.

"_It won't hurt. Not one bit, I promise."_

"_Are you insane! You barely lifted a finger to help me and now…and now…!"_

"_Look, life's not fair, so we must make our own opportunities. I was beginning to like you, honestly I was."_

"_You traitorous squib! That's all you are!"_

"_Obliviate…"_

"_Gilderoy! _

_Gilderoy Lockhart!_

Lockhart!"

"Lockhart!" He woke with a start. Snape was stood in front of his desk, holding a small vial. He looked around him, and realised he was still in his office.

"What…what do you want?" He said, ignoring the fact that he had no idea for how long Snape had been stood there.

"I came to deliver your potion. It's not the Dreamless Sleep, though." Snape said, hurriedly.

"Well, what is it?"

Snape sat down and Lockhart wondered what the hell he was doing. "It's a potion of my own making, it…it doesn't have a name."

"Is it legal!"

"Of course it's legal!" Snape snapped. "It's stronger. It'll be more effective in getting rid of the nightmares." Lockhart looked at him suspiciously. "It's perfectly safe, I use it myself."

"And you're giving me this…why?"

"Look, do you want it or not!"

"Yes, yes, of course I do…" Lockhart looked for the right words. "But why aren't you just giving me the Dreamless Sleep? Why give me something from your private store?" Snape didn't answer. "What makes you sympathise with nightmares so much?"

"You're shrewder than you appear, Gilderoy."

Lockhart didn't respond to the apparent compliment. "Well? I told you. What do you dream about?"

"That's none of your business."

"Neither is mine yours. I told you though."

Snape sighed heavily. "I dream…I dream of the past. A past I'd rather forget."

Lockhart smirked. "I could help with that, you know."

"Very funny." Snape paused. "No. I'd rather remember – reminds me not to be so stupid again." He rubbed his left forearm, instinctively.

Lockhart decided it best not to push the matter further. He forced a laugh. "Well, my dreams remind me not to be so clever again." Snape let out a sound that was not contemptuous enough to be a scoff, but not nearly light enough to be a laugh. "If I…I need any more, would it be okay…?"

"That would be fine." Snape got to his feet. "Just come ask for it."

"Thank you, professor." Snape just reached the door. Lockhart smiled. "Happy Valentine's Day, Severus."

Snape turned and left, before Lockhart could see the half-smile that adorned his face.


End file.
